An Open Letter to the Post Op Tranny on My LA Flight

Dear Sir/Madam:
When you came tottering down the aisle of a half-empty plane on your 5 inch heels Tuesday, I was not surprised that you sat down next to me; I figured that was as far as you could walk in those hoopty shoes without stumbling. The bustier and mini you wore might have been more at home in a club than on a Southwest flight, but no matter.

You gave my friend and I a sweet smile, we all said our hellos, and then you settled in for the 50 minute flight up north.

"Settling in" for you, of course, meant arranging and rearranging your two gigantic patent leather hobo bags under your seat, taking out an ironically named "compact mirror" the size of a dinner plate and staring into it for minutes at a time, all the while searching through your bag for various unguents and applying them to your face, your weave, and your muscular bare shoulders. When my friend and I started talking about Pulitzer Prize winner Marilyn Robinson's book "Gilead," you made sure to pull out your own reading material and arrange it just so on the tray table (though after that you never touched it.)

At one point as you dove back into your bags again I was reminded of traveling with my kids when they were toddlers and had to resist the urge to say, in that bright motherly voice of approval - "You are so BUSY!"

You, my friend, were 6 plus feet of chocolatey goodness, and you knew it. You may not have seen the entire flight crew leave the cabin to watch you saunter down the jetway turned catwalk after we landed, but I know you sensed it.

And that is why I am posting this letter. A ladyman lady who has worked so very hard to be attractive, really applied herself to the task, needs to know this: PICKING AT YOUR BEARD FOR THE ENTIRE FLIGHT IS A REAL TURN-OFF. Did you not see me clawing at the seat rest that separated my traveling companion and I, trying to get onto her lap? Picking and flicking: not ladylike. Ever.

And as long as I'm on the subject of impolite, could you have please retracted your giraffe legs from under the seat in front of ME and put them under the seat in front of YOU?

Ok. Thanks. Bye.