Rules for Playdates - Elementary School Edition

Yes, back in the olden days of my youth, kids got together to play without needing a special name for doing so. But "playdate" seems here to stay,  so let's accept it and move on. With the school year underway, it's time for an update of the guiding principles of playdates in our home, as applied to the K-5 set.

1. Don't expect me to report back on your child's every action for the time they spent under my roof.  Half the reason your kid was invited over in the first place was so they could distract mine while I hide in my office, finishing a story on deadline. Unless I hear screams and/or dishes shattering, I tend to stay out of sight. That way I’m as surprised by the baking soda volcano in the kitchen as you are!
2. If my kids aren't allowed to say it, neither are yours while they're in my care. Be advised: “sucks,” “hella,” “crappy,” and “shut up” will be called out and shut down.
3. Snacks will be provided, with a ratio of 1:1 healthy to unhealthy content. It just doesn't seem fair to offer carrot sticks by themselves when there are perfectly good Newman-Os in the cookie jar. On the other hand, if they happen to walk through the kitchen as I'm wolfing down a brownie and I have to pretend that I was actually just about to serve it as snack, I pledge to force feed them some blueberries too.
4. Recognize that we have a dog, and expect that he will jump around in excitement for the first two minutes of the playdate before retiring to his bed to sleep for the remainder of it. If you are the parent of a child who is terrified of dogs, and yet like a moth to a flame can't restrain herself from saying, "Here Achilles! Come here! Come!" and then screaming as said dog approaches, let's just agree not to do this.
5. Spontaneous kitchen dance parties do break out in our home, particularly when the iPod hits a spate of Black Eyed Peas songs. Send your child in stretchy clothing.
6. We are a no-video-game-console family. (Why do you think my kids always want to come to your house?) The default setting for the TV is “off” during a playdate, but if the kids have finished homework, kicked a ball around outside in a game that resembles Quidditch for Muggles, played a round of Dream Date (pick the nerd, trust me!), built a Lego fort, and eaten two snacks, I may break down and let them fire up a video. Tell me seriously: would you not?
7. Grounds for immediate termination of the playdate include:  physical violence, swearing, bullying, or saying “Shut up, your crappy music hella sucks."
8. Grounds for my begging to extend the playdate into an overnight or to have your child return the next day include: jokes I haven't heard before, unprompted placement of dirty dishes into the dishwasher, good sportsmanship (especially as directed to a younger sibling,) a request to play with the dog in the back yard, incisive book recommendations, and a bear hug as they say goodbye.
9. We abide by the 50/50 rule here. I will only believe fifty per cent of what your child says about you if you'll only believe fifty percent of what he or she say about me.
10. I trust and expect you to hold my children to a similar set of guidelines in your own home, the stricter the better. Anything to help make us look good by comparison is appreciated.