Monday, May 16, 2011

As the Rapture Approaches: No Regrets

I don't know if it's just in the Bay Area or nationwide that garish yellow and black billboards are telling us the Rapture is upon us: specifically, sometime Saturday, all the good folks are going to be sucked up out of their shoes to ascend to heaven in a burst of radiant glory, and the rest of us flawed sinners are going to be stuck down here wondering why it just got so easy to park.

Can't say as I'm too worried; the atheist billboards assure me it's not going to happen. Anyway I certainly would not be one of those transported to the heavenly beyond. I'd rather take my chances down here with the losers who will be in no position to judge one another. Wouldn't it be awkward if you were the only person in your circle who turned up missing on the day of the Rapture? "Oh, that Mary Louise, she always thought she was better than us. Now we'll never hear the end of it."

All the Rapture talk does, however, make me think about regrets. If it really all goes to Hell in a handbasket in a few days, what unfinished business would I wish I'd wrapped up first? Herewith, a partial list.

1.) I should have come out and told my neighbor, nicknamed "The Troll," that when I give her a friendly wave and a greeting, the proper response is not to grunt and turn away. Pull your lips back and grimace, lady, it's close enough to a smile and it's the civil thing for you to do.

2.) I should have donated that bag of dried beans in my pantry to a food bank two years ago, before they expired. As if a food bank recipient will have any more interest than I do in soaking beans in water overnight. What am I, a professional chef?

3.) I should have learned to play bass guitar with my band, the Moist Deluxe, instead of just thinking about what our concert t-shirts would look like.

4.) I should have worn large, line-of-sight-obscuring hats more often. The Royal Wedding really drove this regret home.

5.) I should have pulled out the artichoke from my garden and just bought some at the grocery store. At the rate I've nurtured that thing with fertilizer, insect spray, and backrubs, each of the 5 chokes it produced cost me $27.53 each.

6.) I should not have stopped dancing at Rachel's bat mitzvah party last weekend, just because the 7th grade girls were beginning to point at my friend Andrea and I dancing to "Shawty Got Low" by Flo Rida. Everyone has to die of something; it may as well be embarrassment.

So - Rapture. What song does it conjure up? This one. Enjoy your early Music Moment, I'm bumping it up for those readers who don't read Normalarkey until the weekend, which may not arrive.

Shoot - I regret never wearing a tube top and shorts while dancing with a man in a white top hat, add that one to the list.


  1. I've been singing that song for DAYS. We have the billboards also. But if we survive Saturday, Sunday we will be rewarded with a nude 5k.


  2. Very funny, if Armeggedon can be funny. I did a little post last Friday about this group of nuts as I don't really plan on the world ending this week. Just in case I am not planning on cleaning my house as I don't want to waste the effort if nobody is going to be around to judge me anyway.

    Loved the comment about the neighbor. If I didn't live in Kansas City, I would say we have the same neighbor.

  3. VB: since we just had the semi-nude, fully drunk Bay to Breakers race here last weekend, I think "rewarded with a nude 5k" is an optimistic view. Why is it the only people who want to let it all hang out are the ones who look like their training run is from the fridge to the couch?

  4. I'm sure they were pointing at Andrea, not you Nancy.

  5. As for the rapture, I understand the world doesn't exactly "end" on Saturday. Rather, we'll all have six months of fire and brimstone, so I haven't canceled my summer vacation just yet. I figured I might squeeze that in before the "end" in October.

    As for the dancing, I think they were indeed pointing at you. The lasso dance was something they thought was very cool, and hip. That, or you had chocolate from the fountain dripping off your face.

  6. No, they were pointing because they'd never seen two old ladies get so low, low, low, low, low etc. and still be able to get back up again. As for the chocolate fountain face, you've mistaken me for my 13 year old daughter. So, thanks.

  7. Um, I KNOW they were pointing at us because they simply couldn't believe two hot old birds such as ourselves could still move like that. Not because they thought we were practicing for the new Geritol "Geriatric Funk" commercial, or felt pity that we were so flagrantly embarrassing ourselves. No, that came later when Neil and I were getting down to our new love song, "Roll Up".

  8. Crikey! I seem to have missed all the billboards. Now it's just one more thing I have to add to my to do list for this weekend:

    1. Buy new underwear at Costco. Because, somehow my Grandma's voice keeps coming through with the ol' "Now what if you got in a car accident with those ratty things?"

  9. Oh my God! I just laughed so hard that the diet coke I was sipping came out my nose! And Anonymous? You were so totally caught on that dance floor!


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